Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
