we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
