you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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