dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
