I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
