i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
