just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Dating After Heartbreak
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.