The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
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But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs