i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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