if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
