before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
