fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
