I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
