omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
