Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
