The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
