hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Randomize
