id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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