She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
