If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
