Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
