i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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