I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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