He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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