Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
