I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
