He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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