i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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