Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
