My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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