Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Randomize
