yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
