i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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