Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
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we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
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I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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