Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
stop calling my apartment porn island.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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