I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
