If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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