Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
