I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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