If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
