My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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