That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
