3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
