why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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