We need to start having sex underwater more often.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
