My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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