omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You are the jesus of drinking
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
