It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
