A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
