I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
