Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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