He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
