I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
