if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
