Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
