after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
