Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Randomize
