I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
