That reminds me...we need to get swords
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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