you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
