my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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